Friday, 1 April 2016

Chip Fat & Chafing

Following on from Heaton’s Magic Wooden Spoon I have been persuaded to reveal another of my pioneering solutions to a perennial problem experienced by the long distance runner. The dreaded chafing.

Here is the transcript of an interview I did with the Sports Chafing - Reduction & Avoidance Project

SCRAP   So Chris I believe you are running the London Marathon in a work suit?

CH         Yes that’s correct!
SCRAP   Won’t chafing be a serious concern?

CH         It certainly will. My skin will be like tenderised raw steak – in all the wrong places - unless I control it.

SCRAP   Raw sausage meat comes to my mind … you must have a plan

CH         Oh yes – I’m going to use chip fat

SCRAP   Chip fat??

CH         Yes – chip fat! I’ve tried all the usual things – Vaseline, body glide, lanolin, creams, you name it! Even bottom butter. But I’ve found chip fat is the absolute best for preventing chafing

SCRAP   We’ll come on to why it’s so good in a moment if that’s okay. But first I’m really intrigued – why did you even think to try chip fat?

CH         Well I’d been cooking my usual high carb tea of chip butties.
And I accidentally got some chip fat on my hands. So to wipe it off I rubbed my hands on my trouser legs. Only to find I didn’t have any trousers on and I’d accidentally smeared it on my thighs.

By then I was late for my run so I went as was and my upper thighs moved like smoothly oiled pistons. Not a hint of a chafe – absolutely chafe-less, chafe-free

SCRAP   And it felt good?

CH         Absolutely. Frankly it felt great and it was just one of those eureka moments. The eternal runners’ chafing problem solved!

SCRAP   You’ve been using chip fat for a while now -  have you discovered any other benefits?

CH         Well where do I start? First off it’s not petroleum based so much more eco friendly than some other alternatives. And of course it smells gorgeous – just imagine wafting along with the aroma of chips tickling your nostrils. Let your mind wander and you could be eating that fish & chip supper – the miles just fly by in a chip fat induced reverie!

SCRAP   I like the eco friendly theme …

CH         Yes indeed – and of course you must remember that it’s recyclable unlike every other product. Out of the pan onto the thighs (and everywhere else!). Then post run just scrape it off and pop it back into the pan. I’ve found that chip fat matured and recycled in this manner has two benefits. It works better as an anti-chafing agent - and your chips taste better! That’s what we call a win-win!!

SCRAP   Wow that’s amazing! I’d love to come round for tea at your house. Anything else?

CH         Well amazingly it can help you to re-fuel on long runs in hot weather. Take a few raw potato wedges with you. Pop one into position – and hey presto – about 10 minutes later you’ve got a golden cooked potato wedge – perfect for topping up your carbohydrate levels on the go!

SCRAP   That is just sensational Chris. But I have to ask you – are there any downsides?

CH         Not many. But I have to admit that in really cold weather it just becomes a solid lump which makes it very difficult to apply. Although this property of chip fat actually helps in the ice bath!

SCRAP   How’s that Chris?

CH         Well ice baths usually get pretty horrible with the greasy residue from the usual anti-chafing products. But chip fat just solidifies and floats to the surface – from where you can gather it up and recycle it again.

SCRAP   So what would your final message be Chris?

CH         Banish chafing forever and save money at the same time – use chip fat! If you haven’t got any of your own, ask a neighbour or pop down to the local chippie where I usually find they’re only too delighted to spread some chip fat on your tender loins!     

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